Imperial Order of the Illustrious Deep
A Burlesque Initiation for Men

 
1931

CHARACTERS:
AQUEOUS: Most Worshipful Oyster
CRUSTACEAN: Masterful Crab of the Deep
XIPHIAS THE SWORDFISH: Preserver of Peace Within the Deep
CEPHALOPODS: Grand Octopus of the Treasure Chest
YE DREADED POLLYWOGS: The Little Imps of the Sea. Eight of ‘em.
HATHAWAY HENRY FRUMP
GIDEON DOOBERRY New Lobsters Seeking a Place in the Deep
IZZY GOLDSTEIN
MIKE O’LEARY

PLACE: In the Temple of the Deep.
TIME: Evening.

COSTUMES:
AQUEOUS: Long flowing gown, preferably of a sea-green color, on which is sewed different sized fish cut from white cloth. He wears a long white beard and long hair. May wear a cone-shaped paper hat. For a scepter he uses a casting rod, on the end of the line being a casting wabbler minus the hooks.
CRUSTACEAN: He is bent with age, hobbling about with the aid of a cane. Wears a robe, and has white beard that nearly reaches to the floor. Wears glasses on the end of his nose.
XIPHIAS: May be dressed similar to the caricatures of the "beef-eaters" of Buckingham Palace in England. Has a very long and murderous tin sword.
CEPHALOPODS: Also wears a robe but no beard. Carries a small garden rake.
POLLYWOGS: There should be six or eight of these Pollywogs, although eight is preferred. All are dressed alike in tight-fitting shiny sateen one-piece suits and hoods. Each is provided with a stubby spear.
HATHAWAY: A nervous little man who looks as if he had been hen-pecked all his life. Common street attire.
GIDEON: A typical stage rube, dressed accordingly.
IZZY: A typical stage Hebrew. Baggy trousers, frayed Prince Albert coat, and flat derby hat. Black stubby beard. Wears silver-rimmed glasses.
MIKE: A medium-sized Irishman with bright red hair, dressed in "loud" suit.

STAGE PROPERTIES:
ALTAR: A large wooden packing box set on end and either draped with a bright-colored cloth, or covered with white cloth on which is painted a marine scene. High stool for behind the altar.
TABLE: A common kitchen table will suffice.
STAND: A small stand, preferably an old stand, so that a few nails to hang implements on may be driven in side.
TRUNK: A. dilapidated affair, on the front being crudely painted: "Davey Jones’ Locker." Inside the trunk is a dishpan.
CHAIRS: Three straight back chairs or one long bench.
IMPLEMENTS: Cleaver, saw, large butcher knife. These, if desired, may be made of tin and of an enormous size.

HAND PROPERTIES
AQUEOUS: A casting rod on which is reel, line and wabbler, the wabbler having been deprived of its hooks.
CRUSTACEAN: A bulb-type automobile horn to be used as a fog-horn. A roll of wallpaper.
XIPHIAS: An enormous tin sword.
CEPHALOPODS: A short-handled garden rake.
POLLYWOGS: Each is provided with short wooden spears, on the ends of spears being two or three round sleigh bells.
HATHAWAY: A few coins.
GIDEON: About a quart of iron washers to represent coins. These are divided so that there is a handful in each of his pockets. Old horse pistol.
IZZY: A pocketbook in which he has about three coins.
MIKE: A whiskey bottle filled with amber-colored water, a pocket full of clay pipes, and about a quart of washers like Gideon’s. Red bandana in pocket. In the bandana is concealed a low-toned whistle that he can blow with mouth when he wishes it to appear that it is his nose that is making the noise.

SCENE: Lodge room of the Imperial Order of the Illustrious Deep. Altar Up C. Behind altar is stool. On altar is casting rod. Half Down L. stage is kitchen table. Beside this table is a small stand on the side of which hangs the cleaver, saw and butcher knife. Half Down R. stage is trunk. Chairs between trunk and altar. See State Properties note.

When the curtain rises no one is on stage except the POLLYWOGS, who are piled on top of one another in such a manner that to the audience they appear as a heap of black bundles of some kind.
AQUEOUS struts majestically in and sits on stool back of altar. Picks up casting rod, casts to off stage, then reels in line. CRUSTACEAN enters with wabbler in mouth, as if he were being reeled in like a fish. He is drawn to altar, where AQUEOUS removes wabbler from his mouth.
AQUEOUS: Speak now, oh Crustacean, Masterful Crab of the Deep.
CRUSTACEAN, bowing low: Oh, Aqueous, Most Worshipful Oyster, your humble servant of the briny deep is at your service.
AQUEOUS: That’s more than some filling stations can boast. Toot the worthy fog-horn, Brother Crustacean, and awake the slumbering Pollywogs.
CRUSTACEAN toots horn. POLLYWOGS disentangle themselves, leap to feet, and salaam to altar. Then they march, keeping step, as CRUSTACEAN sounds horn: toot—toot—toot-toot-toot, etc. POLLYWOGS go through a simple rehearsed drill about stage, waving their little spears, causing the bells to jingle. Their line divides, four halting at attention on each side of altar, they facing audience.
XIPHIAS, marching military manner, enters L. and stands straight and stiff behind kitchen table. He bows to altar.
AQUEOUS: Speak, oh Xiphias, Preserver of the Peace within the Deep, speak. I see there is something on your mind except your hair.
XIPHIAS: Aqueous, Most Worshipful Oyster, I wish to report that Cephalopods, Grand Octopus of the Treasure Chest, approaches on the back of his mighty steed, the sea horse.
AQUEOUS: How knowest this, Brother Xiphias?
XIPHIAS: I have heard the hoofbeats of the sea horse on the sands of time.
CEPHALOPODS from off L. stage: Whoa, you gangly, spavin-spotted, knock-kneed son-of-a-giraffe! Whoa! Dog bark off L. Shut up! You’re a sea horse. Not a dogfish. CEPHALOPODS marches in L. with rake, and bows to altar. Aqueous, Most Worshipful Oyster, ‘tis I, Cephalopods, Grand Octopus of the Treasure Chest.
AQUEOUS: Good! You are only three years late. How is the great sea acting tonight?
CEPEALOPODS: ‘Tis not well. There is a storm brewing.
AQUEOUS: Brewing? Did you say brewing? ‘Tis well that we are outside the twelve-mile
limit.
POLLYWOGS, singing the following line and stopping abruptly when line is finished: Out on the deep when the sun is low. Shake spears.
AQUEOUS: Brother Crustacean, Masterful Crab of the Deep, call the roll of the members of this mighty and glorious organization, The Imperial Order of the Illustrious Deep.
CRUSTACEAN taking roll of wallpaper from beneath gown, letting it unroll across floor and tooting horn and calling roll: Aqueous, Most Worshipful Oyster!
AQUEOUS: Heigh-ho! And a bottle of rum!
CRUSTACEAN, rhythmically: Present and accounted for and that’s going some! Crustacean, Masterful Crab of the Deep! That’s me! Rumde-de-dum and a dum-dum-dum! Repeats ragtime with cane on floor. Cephalopods, Grand Octopus of the Treasure Chest!
CEPHALOPODS: In your midst I now do dwell.
CRUSTACEAN, rhythmically: If you go any lower you’ll be in—China. Xiphias, the Swordfish, Preserver of the Peace Within in the Deep!
XIPRIAS: Write not of mine absence when I am here.
CRUSTACEAN: Heigh-ho! And a bottle of beer! Ye Dreaded Pollywogs, the little Imps of the Sea! Answer the call as ye have in the past.
POLLYWOGS, answering by each one singing one note of the scale: Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-si-do. Then all sing second line of "Out on the Deep." And the sea with splendor burns.
CRUSTACEAN: Aqueous, Most Worshipful Oyster, all members of The Imperial Order o~ the Illustrious Deep are present or accounted for.
AQUEOUS: Good work, old top. Such being the case, we will proceed to give our fraternal yell. One—two—three.
ALL: Rah! Rah! Rah!
Siss-boom-a applesauce’
Applesauce!
Applesauce!
Ring-a-dingle, applesauce,
Rah! Rab! Rah!
AQUEOUS: Now, Brothers of The Imperial Order of the Illustrious Deep, as is my duty at each and every meeting, I must impress upon thee the importance of this great and glee-orious organization. We gather here periodically now and then, sometimes maybe, and sometime maybe not, all depending upon whether we do or not, far, far below the surface of the mighty sea—far below the waving and rippling surface of this great expanse of H₂O. Think what it means, 0 Brothers of the Deep, to be thus able to enjoy the wetness of things ten thousand fathoms down. Ah, the wetness of things! Bring to mind the myriads of similar organizations on continents that must go without things wet. Oh, the dryness thereof is heart-breaking to such as we, and woeful to them—those—to they! What sayest thee, O Brothers?
CRUSTACEAN: Me for the sea and the glorious deep.
CEPHALOPODS: And me for the place where the fishes creep.
XIPHIAS: While I but crave a place to sleep.
AQUEOUS: Sleep, Brother, sleep. Lie on the bed £ of the ocean and place a billow beneath thy head. What doth the little Pollywogs say?
POLLYWOGS, rhythmically as they step to time: We are naught but pollywogs black and sleek,
We inhabit the ocean, the river, the creek;
We slither and wiggle, a very slow game,
But somehow we get there just the same.
We’re the imps of the sea, and we love to tease;
We live on seaweed, and limburger cheese.
We pollywog here, and we pollywog there,
Just pollywogs wogging and jogging, but where?
They go immediately into third and fourth lines of "Out on the Deep."
With his scaly spoil from his evening toil,
The fisher homeward turns.
AQUEOUS: Versification reacheth everywhere, o’er land and golf courses, to the heavens above and the oceans below. Yay-yaw, and e’en down here in the deep blue depths, where humans think there be naught but slithering creatures, rhythm and rhyme cheer the hearts of us. ‘Tis a wonderful world, with all its splendors! Its briny deep on one side and the Democrats and Republicans on the other. Be it not so, 0 Brothers?
ALL: ‘Tis so because it’s so because it’s so because it’s so because it’s—CRUSTACEAN toots horn and all quiet instantly.
CEPHALOPODS: Aqueous, Most Worshipful Oyster, upon entering the great portals of this temple I espied four strangers awaiting without.
AQUEOUS: Yeah? Without what?
CEPHALOPODS: Without a fishing license. And without respect for mine robe of honor. They did naught but gaze at me with brazen stares.
AQUEOUS: Heh! Heh! What did thee wish them to do? Gaze at you with cellar stairs? Who knows about these strangers?
POLLYWOGS: We do, O Worshipful Oyster;
We induced them here this night.
With our impish ways for many days
We’ve worked to plan their plight.
Four men they be from the arid land
Who wish to join this briny band
Gold they have in quantity,
And come from the city of Kankakee.
AQUEOUS: Crustacean, proceed in the customary manner to permit one, and one only, to enter this spacious chamber.
CRUSTACEAN, bowing to altar: O.K., Most Worshipful Oyster. He hobbles out.
AQUEOUS: Now then, bunch, I got a good story for you. I don’t know whether I’ve ever told it to you or not.
CEPHALOPODS: Is it a funny story?
AQUEOUS: I’ll tell the cock-eyed world it’s funny.
CEPHALOPODS: Then you never told us the story.
XIPHIAS: Go ahead, Fred, tell the story.
AQUEOUS: Well, once there were two Irishmen—
CEPHALOPODS: Yeah, go on. Once there were two Irishmen.
AQUEOUS: Now there’s millions of them.
POLLYWOGS shake spears, do two or three funny dance steps, and then stand at attention.
XIPHIAS: Order! Order! Order! Order! Order!
AQUEOUS: Order! Order! Order! Order! Order! If I had some bread I’d order a ham sandwich if I had some ham.
XIPHIAS: Brother Crustacean approaches yonder near by in the distance with a stranger.
When CRUSTACEAN enters, followed by the shivering HATHAWAY the POLLYWOGS are holding spears threateningly and reciting in unison.
POLLYWOGS: We’ll cut him up, we’ll chop him down, We’ll carve him east and west.
We’ll carve his heart, and slash his throat, And brand his tawny chest.
We’ll slash him north, and hack him south, We’ll cut him till he’s bony.
We’ll mince his legs, and mince his arms, And that’s a lot o’ boloney.
As HATHAWAY is led past XIPHIAS, the latter swings his sword over HATHAWAY’S head, HATHAWAY dropping to floor shivering with fright.
CRUSTACEAN, sharply: Arise, you worm of the earth! Seek not to sit in the presence of yonder Aqueous, the Most Worshipful Oyster. Arise, you insignificant hunk of human mud. HATESAWAY gets to feet, where he stands unsteadily. Approach the altar, you meek, weak-kneed landlubber.
HATHAWAY, with trembling legs, walks to side of altar.
AQUEOUS: Why come you here?
HATHAWAY: I – I – I – I –
AQUEOUS: Eye—Eye—Eye! This is a nautical domain—not an optical. Why come you here?
HATHAWAY: I had a feeling that I shoulder—I should make application to join this order.
AQUEOUS: You had a feeling? Yonder stands the imps that have mysteriously imbued you with such a feeling. But ‘tis well. Them darn imps sure know their stuff. What is your name?
HATHAWAY: Hathaway Henry Frump.
AQUEOUS: Hast thou paid your income tax?
HATHAWAY: I never had an income.
AQUEOUS: How dost thee expect to come in without an income? Suddenly as he gazes fixedly at HATHAWAY’S head. Ah! You are married.
HATHAWAY: Ye—yes, I am. But that scar on my head I got when I was a baby.
AQUEOUS: What are your sentiments on the divorce question, the disarmament movement, traffic congestion, vaccination and why?
HATHAWAY: Yes, sir.
AQUEOUS: What?
HATHAWAY: I—er—mean, no, sir.
AQUEOUS: You’re durn tootin’! Why do you wish to join this order—this organization that buddeth and bloometh far down in the depths of the mighty sea? Why, I ask you, do you wish to join this briny outfit?
HATHAWAY: I need nourishment of this kind. I’ve been a poor fish ever since I got married.
AQUEOUS: Crustacean, make him swear.
HATHAWAY: No, no! Once I hit m~ thumb with the hammer and swore and my wife lammed me with a skillet.
AQUEOUS: Crustacean, make him swear.
CRUSTACEAN: You diabolical slice of nothing, hold up your right hand. HATHAWAY obeys.
Now repeat after me:
I promise to obey the laws and rules,
I promise to try and get more fools,
I promise to never reveal,
I promise never to eat pork or veal,
promise to do as I am told,
I promise to stay within the fold,
I promise to deal from the top of the deck,
I promise to wash behind my neck. Repeat.
HATHAWAY: I promise—
CRUSTACEAN: Most Worshipful Oyster, he promises.
AQUEOUS: Good! Cephalopods, Grand Octopus of the Treasure Chest, relieve this new member of all monetary valuables. Turn him upside down if needs be.
HATHAWAY: I’ll give you all voluntarily. Takes out few coins and holds them out to CEPHALOPODS. Sixty-five cents that I held out on the old woman.
CEPHALOPODS takes coins and drops them into trunk, where they rattle in the dishpan.
AQUEOUS: Away with him to the dissecting table. Anatomize this land creature’s structure so that we may be sure that he can withstand the extreme pressure brought to bear on one so far below the surface of the sea. Cut out his liver and feed it to the fishes.
POLLYWOGS grasp the struggling HATHAWAY and lay him on his back on the table. They hold him while CRUSTACEAN feels edge of butcher knife.
HATHAWAY: Please! Oh, please don’t cut out my liver without my wife’s consent. She’ll kill me if you do.
AQUEOUS: Heed his plea, Brothers. Spare you his liver, and remove his brains instead. His wife will never notice they are missing.
CRUSTACEAN lays down knife and takes up cleaver. He raises it high over head, where it is poised while HATHAWAY struggles to free himself.
AQUEOUS: One—two—three!
CRUSTACEAN brings down the cleaver, but HATHAWAY sneezes and jerks his head to one side as the cleaver strikes the table.
AQUEOUS: Who said he was from Kankakee? That man is from Dodge—Iowa. Use the saw, Brother. Use the saw.
CRUSTACEAN takes saw and goe: through motions of sawing HATHAWAY’S leg.
HATHAWAY: Give me ether!
AQUEOUS: What’s the use? We wouldn’t know when you were unconscious.
CRUSTACEAN, stops sawing: No use, Most Worshipful Oyster. The saw refuseth to enter the flesh. He hath so much iron in his blood it dulleth the saw.
AQUEOUS: Then consider him a member of The Imperial Order of the Illustrious Deep and let him sit in the temple.
The POLLYWOGS carry him to chair and seat him.
POLLYWOGS shake spears and sing fifth and sixth lines of "Out on the Deep": And his oars flash bright in the ocean light,
And he knows that eyes on shore—
AQUEOUS: Brother Crustacean, bring hither new applicant Number Two.
CRUSTACEAN, bowing: O.K., boss. He hobbles out.
AQUEOUS: Now, Brother Hathaway, you have passed through the ordeal and we now look upon you as a full-fledged member of The Imperial Order of the Illustrious Deep. It therefore behooves you to tell a funny story. Proceed.
HATHAWAY, standing: I want to tell you, Brothers, how the hippopotamus got its name. Once upon a time there were two other men—this was way back in the ancient times before zebras had stripes and Chicago had spots. There were two men and they saw a great big animal. One man said, "Say, that thing looks more like a hippopotamus than any hippopotamus I have ever seen." And the other fellow said, "That’s what I think." And since that time it’s been called a hippopotamus.
XIPHIAS holds sword threateningly and starts toward HATHAWAY.
AQUEOUS: Hold, Brother Xiphias! Slay him not. He hath no brains, ‘tis true. We, therefore, shall use him as our secretary.
CRUSTACEAN enters behind GIDEON, prodding GIDEON with the cane.
GIDEON, turning angrily to CRUSTACEAN: Say, you double-jointed peanut! Stop pokin’ me with that third leg o’ your’n.
CRUSTACEAN: Then approach the altar and salaam the Oyster.
GIDEON: What’ll I slam him with? A brick?
CRUSTACEAN: Bow to Aqueous, Most Worshipful Oyster.
GIDEON: Heh?
CRUSTACEAN: Bow! Bow!
GIDEON: Bow-bow or bow-wow?
AQUEOUS: What is your name?
GIDEON: Gideon Dooberry.
AQUEOUS: Why do you come here?
GIDEON: Well, I’ll tell ye. When the feller I voted for didn’t get ‘lected I lost the bet I made. Ye see, I bet if I lost I’d do the dangest foolishest thing I could find to do, an’ I reckon they ain’t none foolisher than jinin’ up with this outfit. When does the show start?
AQUEOUS: Just as soon’s we find out if you have the necessary amount of filthy lucre upon your person.
GIDEON: What kind o’ lucifer?
AQUEOUS: Money! Money!
GIDEON: Money? My-gosh-to-Betsy! Shoves hand into pocket and takes out handful of iron washers. Lookit that. Places washers on floor.
AQUEOUS, staring at washers: Oh, me-gosh! Where’d you get it?
GIDEON: Sold the queerest calf you ever laid eyes on. Durn thing was fourteen years old.
AQUEOUS: A calf fourteen years old?
GIDEON: Yep. Oldest calf in the world. But you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Lookit here. Places another handful of washers on floor. Sure was a queer calf. An’ ‘n I got some more. All are staring open-mouthed at G]DEON. He takes out another handful of washers and places them’ with others. An’ this is all, by-cracky! Dumps remainder of washers on floor.
AQUEOUS: Sure is a lot o’ money.
GIDEON: Yes, siree, it sure would be if —
AQUEOUS: If what?
GIDEON: If ‘tweren’t counterfeit.
AQUEOUS: What? ‘Tain’t real money?
GIDEON: Nope. But, ye see, ‘tweren’t a real calf.
AQUEOUS: You both got skinned?
GIDEON: Yep, reg’lar calf skin all ‘round.
AQUEOUS: Brother Cephalopods, deposit said spurious wampum in Davey Jones’ Locker. We’ll use it to pay our income tax. But to be thus raised to the apex of hope and dropped again into the pit of disappointment causes a savage desire for vengeance to form in the hearts of such as we. Do dirt to the offender. Hack him into a million pieces, torture him till he yells "Ouch !" Chop off his head and throw it in his face. Then when he is naught but pulverized dust, sock him in the jaw as per Rule 29, Section 41, Chapter 6, and ten yards to go. Pollywogs, do your stuff.
POLLYWOGS tumble GIDEON onto table as CEPHALOPODS rakes up washers with his rake and dumps them into trunk.
GIDEON: Hey, you goll-durn fools, you be gittin’ all the press out’n this mail-order suit.
XIPHIAS steps over and brandishes sword over GIDEON: Button up thine face before I slew thee with this safety razor.
GIDEON: All right, but by-jumpin’-Jehoshaphat, I’ll have the law on ye sure’s I’m a foot high. Dad-burn old crow foots!
AQUEOUS: Cut his throat!
GIDEON jerks loose and sits up shaking fist: Cut my throat an’ let all the cider out’n my Adam’s apple? Yanks horse pistol from pocket. Come on an’ do it, ye gosh-blamed, dad-burned, gosh-a-mighty know-nothin’s!
AQUEOUS: Brothers, desist. I see he will make a worthy member of this esteemed order without the customary initiation being forced upon him. Arise, Brother Gideon, and seat yourself in the honored chair beside yonder Brother Hathaway.
GIDEON: An’ that’s that. I’m a rarin’, tearin’ son-of-a-gun, an’ a hootin’, tootin’ like a pig a-rootin’, when I start a-shootin’—Wow! Waves pistol, gets to floor and crosses to chair and sits. Yes, siree! I’m purty tough. Out where I come from we uses sandburrs for shavin’ soap, an’ brush our teeth with alum. Wow! Waves pistol and HATHAWAY dodges, nearly falling from chair.
AQUEOUS: Brothers of The Imperial Order of the Illustrious Deep, time waiteth for no man, and the night speeds on. We still have two more applicants that wish to join this glorious order. Bring them in, Brother Crustacean, both of them single file.
CRUSTACEAN: Yay-bo. Bows and exits.
POLLYWOGS, stepping to time of poem they recite: We round ‘em up, and take ‘em in,
Then their misery’ll begin.
We want their company, we want their dough,
We need even that down here below.
Wherever you’re at or whatever you do
You got ‘o have the money to see you through.
We may be rough and we may be tough
We never seem to know when you’ve had enough.
We try to be easy on the married man,
For he’s had about all that he can stand.
There is no sense to all our stuff,
Like a tree on a mountain we’re on a bluff.
If into this temple you happen to roam
You’ll soon be wishing for your home, sweet home.
CRUSTACEAN enters, followed by IZZY and MIKE.
IZZY, suddenly paralyzed with fright, stops abruptly, causing MIKE to bump into him.
MIKE, giving IZZY a kick that causes IZZY to leap into air: G’wan, yez blitherin’ I. W. W.!
IZZ,Y excitedly: Oy! Vor vhy you calls me de I. W. W.? Vot dat means yet?
MIKE: I Won’t Walk.
AQUEOUS to IZZY: What’s your name?
IZZY: Izzy.
AQUEOUS: Izzy what?
MIKE: Is he dead or alive?
XIPHIAS: Silence!
AQUEOUS: And not much of that. To IZZY: Your full name.
IZZY: De same as vhen I vas sober: Izzy Goldstein.
AQUEOUS: Nationality?
IZZY: New York.
AQUEOUS: Why come you here?
IZZY: I vants vor to be on de inside looking out instead of on de in-out looking side—I means, I vould radder be on de side-out den on de out-in—On de—de—de— Receives a kick from MIKE and yells: —outside looking in!
AQUEOUS: Why do you desire to join this order?
IZZY: I tinks maybe den I gan sell to you some all vool cotton socks made from de best silk dat efer coome off de sockology. Twenty-nine cents retail, eleven cents wholesale—
AQUEOUS: Proceed, Pollywogs, to turn him upside down and shake forth the shekels he must
possess.
IZZY: Oy! Takes two or three small coins from pocket. I vas a poor man vit a bankrupt.
How much discount do I get it if I giff dis to you cash?
AQUEOUS: Brother Cephalopods, into the Locker with the shekels.
CEPHALOPODS, snatches coins from IZZY and tosses them into trunk: Not enough to buy oats for mine sea horse.
AQUEOUS: Place him on the dissecting table and cut out his heart.
IZZY: Oy! Now you vants to cut out mine heart, und only last month vas it dat dat low-down cheap-skate, Maurice Cohen, vat tinks he vas a doctor, cuts out mine beer. Oy! Such a life! Vat you charge vor cutting out such tings?
AQUEOUS: Ha! Ha! We charge nothing. We love to do the gory job.
IZZY: Dat’s nice. Mine appendix vas bad. If you cuts him out I safe fife hundred dollars.
AQUEOUS: Brothers, this places me, your Most Worshipful Oyster, in a quandary. We cannot proceed to hack and saw this man because he wishes us to do so. We can do that to only those who resist. All we can do is to swear him in and count him as a member.
CRUSTACEAN to IZZY: Do you solemnly promise?
IZZY: Sure.
CRUSTACEAN: Most Worshipful Oyster, he doth.
AQUEOUS: Then lead him gently to a seat of honor and place his name on the record book.
POLLYWOGS surround him, knocking him this way and that way until they have him in chair.
IZZY: Oy! If dat is gently, I vould hate to meet you vhen you vas rough.
AQUEOUS to MIKE: What is your name?
MIKE: Mike O’Leary, an’ Oi kin lick inny bloomin’ idjit that steps up. Sticks out his jaw and looks around belligerently] Whin I hits a man he either falls dead or he don’t fall a-tall. If he don’t fall he sure does funny things standin’ up.
AQUEOUS, very politely: Of course you understand, Brother O’Leary, that we must ask each applicant to deposit a small amount of money with Brother Cephalopods, the Grand Octopus of the Treasure Chest, before we can proceed to honor this order with the presence of the new member.
MIKE, good-naturedly: Oh, sure, thot’s all right, so ‘tis. Oi got a little pin money wid me.
Dumps out the quart of washers, the clay pipes, and then very carefully places the whiskey bottle on floor.
As soon as bottle is set on floor, all on stage make a rush for the bottle except XIPHIAS. He snatches horn from CRUSTACEAN and toots it. All stop.
XIPHIAS: I am Xiphias, the Swordfish, Preserver of Peace within the Deep. My word is law. Stand back from the container of doubtful liquid
AQUEOUS, strutting back to stool: Brothers, he is right. I was only trying to snatch it away from you before it did you harm. Remember, Brothers, we are not upon the desert land from whence come these humans. We are down deep, deep, deep in the ocean’s depths. We are surrounded by water. Water, water everywhere. Water!! WATER!!
There is a loud crash off stage.
CEPHALOPODS dashes off stage as others stare and wonder.
CEPHALOPODS dashes back onto stage excitedly.
CEPHALOPODS: We are doomed!
AQUEOUS: Quick! Don’t keep us in suspenders! What is?
AQUEOUS: Quick! Everybody! We’ll drown! Every man for himself. Ladies and children first.
All except IZZY dash out. He stumbles and falls into trunk. MIKE runs past trunk and knocks lid down.
A moment later the trunk lid slowly opens and IZZY peeks cautiously out. Then he holds up dishpan and runs his hand through the "money" in it, and grins.
IZZY: Let de flood came, I should vorry. I got it plenty vor a rainy day.
QUICK CURTAIN.

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