Sublime Order of Arabian Knights
Initiation Ritual
A comic ceremony designed to cure the blues and fill the treasury.
1895
Adapted as a side degree for all societies or for dramatic representation.
Paraphernalia
The costumes used in this degree should be of as ridiculous and startling
character as possible. Each officer (except the prophet) should have some
portion of a Knight's outfit. All heads should be uncovered, except the S.K.Cy.
who should wear a chapeau.
The S.K.Prophet should be dressed in a black robe and cap, and wear a long
gray beard.
The S.K.Cy. should have a base drum stick instead of a gavel, and a drum, or
large pan, in front of him on which he pounds at the indication "boom'' and
otherwise when thought advisable.
The S.K. Rec. may have a big book and large wooden pen.
The 8.K. Lucre may have a large key and a small safe.
The S.K. Surgery may have saws, hatchets, etc., also a piece of stovepipe.
The S. Guides and Sentinel may hare crooks, hatchets or spears.
The Candidate should wear a high hat, and long linen ''duster" and carry
an umbrella. He will also need a long black bottle, several cigars in each
pocket and a lunch.
Additional supplies needed will be a blackboard and crayon or white cloth on
board, a looking glass, picture of donkey, and an iron poker painted red on end.
All may wear false faces or otherwise disguise themselves if desired.
Local hits may be easily introduced, songs interspersed, and colored lights
thrown on the stage.
Each officer should wear a black apron tied under the arms on which the
following emblems may be shown.
S.K, Cynosure; Owl.
S,K. Surgeon; Skull and Cross Bones.
S.K. Orient; The Sun.
S.K. Occident; The Moon
The ceremonial work has been made entirely free from any boisterous
performances, and those who desire to make it "rougher" can easily add
any "horseplay'' such as making the candidate pass through barrels, over
ladders, etc., without interfering with the text of the charges or the alleged
"object" of the ceremony.
For a "Side Degree"
The work can be readily adapted for use as a "side degree" for any
society, by having the Guides answer the questions for the Candidate, also
cutting off the branding scene and auxiliaries in the grand finale.
Ceremony
The curtain rises and reveals all the officers in their respective positions
as indicated on diagram of hall.
The S.K.R. should be writing, the S.K.L. counting money,
The S.K.Cy., rising: Sublime Knights, I am informed that Judge
Hezekiah Beanpod, whom you recently elected, will present himself to receive our
Sublime Mysteries this evening, He is a man who thinks he knows more than all
the rest of the country and I recommend that he
be given a reception that will learn him the virtue of humiliation.
A. vigorous pounding is now heard on the door.
The Sublime Sentinel opens the door and appears to be quarreling with someone
who is endeavoring to force his way in The S.S. finally succeeds in closing the
door and says:
S.S.: Sublime Knight Cynosure, Judge Hezekiah Beanpod, desires to
be admitted to the mysteries of this Sublime degree.
S.K.Cy.: The Sublime Guides will retire and prepare the candidate
and introduce him.
Guides retire and after a few moments, during which time the officers will
keen, busy as if making preparations, the first S.G. enters and addresses the
S.K.Cy. as follows:
S.G.: Sublime Knight Cynosure, the Candidate refuses to give up
his umbrella or remove his hat.
S.K.Cy.: Sublime Guide, if there be no objection we will in this
case depart from our usual custom and permit the Candidate to appear as he may
prefer, but he must be hoodwinked.
There being no objection it is ordered.
Guide retires.
Guides place themselves one on each side of the candidate, who has
handkerchief over his eyes, and give three times three loud raps on the door,
after which Sublime Sentinel opens the door noiselessly. Guides and Candidate
enter. Strict silence prevails until the Candidate is several paces inside when
he is seized by Sentinel from behind and who with the Guides appear to shake him
violently. Some false teeth may he dropped on the floor as if coming from the
Candidate's mouth. Members make considerable noise.
S.K.C.: Sublime Knights, why this unseemly conduct?
ALL MEMBERS Take off the hat! Shoot the hat!
S.K.Cy.: I have given permission that the neophyte may retain his
hat until we are ready to remove it. Be patient.
Guides with candidate advance to the station of the S.K.Cy. and make very low
bows.
S.Guide: Sublime Knight Cynosure, this candidate has had the
courage to present himself for initiation into the sublime ceremonies of our
Ancient Order.
S.K.Cy. to Candidate: I congratulate you on your courage and
assure you that when we have completed the work of your transformation into a
Sublime knight you will know more than you do now.
It is my duty at the outset to impress upon you that the Sublime object of
our Ancient Order is to inculcate the virtue of humility.
Other Orders teach of Love, Charity, Benevolence, etc, and the grandeur of
the benefactions of those orders is one of the marvels of our civilization,
while their ceremonies impress great moral lessons more emphatically than could
be accomplished in any other manner.
We have no desire to ridicule any of the ample forms or ceremonies of other
Orders and if in our customs you find anything that may to you seem frivolous it
will be because you do not fully comprehend the great purpose we have in view.
If you are not familiar with the ceremonies of the great fraternities let us
here emphasize the statement that in all of them the ceremonies are as different
from ours as are the objects sought to be attained.
Inordinate self-esteem is the great barrier to genuine friendship, we daily
see men puffed up with self-esteem to such an extent that they are obnoxious to
sensitive people, and they are tolerated only because their combativeness
compels us to submit to them. Such men appear to have many friends. Ordinary
people flutter around them, compliment them and seem to admire them, but this
apparent admiration is largely prompted by selfish interests and desire to be
with the strong side.
When such a man loses his physical strength or his influence from any cause
he soon finds himself deserted if not despised. He who would have reliable
friends must make them by friendly methods, and when a display of firmness or
dignity is required it should not be made in an obnoxious manner.
Our present task of taking some of the selfishness and conceitedness out of
you may be an Herculean labor, but we will nevertheless make the effort in
earnest. While the remedy may not conquer the disease, our motto of "Kill
or Cure" will not be departed from.
Sublime Guides conduct the candidate to the Sublime knight of Surgery.
S.Guide: Sublime Knight of Surgery, I am directed to present this
neophyte to you for examination as to his physical fitness to endure the trials
before him, also that you measure him for a coffin if you deem his strength
insufficient.
S.K.S. examines candidate thoroughly, punches him in the ribs, looks at his
tongue, listens to his lungs through a piece of stove pipe, etc.
S.K.S.: Let me see how long you can stand on the right foot, candidate
complies also on the left foot.
S.K.S. makes memorandums and measures candidate with tape measure. Guides
hold candidate securely by arms. S.K.S. passes behind candidate and removes
candidate's hat and takes it away permitting lunch of bread, bologna, etc. to
fall out on the floor.
ALL MEMBERS CRY: "Free Lunch."
S.K.S.: Is your heart sound?
Cand.: I guess so.
S.K.S.: What color is it?
Cand.: I don't know.
S.K.S.: Well never mind, we'll call it black, as it is reported to
us that you have been heard to say that "to be truly happy a man must have
a bad heart, a good digestion and no conscience."
Cand., indignantly: I never said so.
S.K.S.: Never mind, don't talk back as it shows you are not
learning to be humble, besides it ruffles the placidity of the spirit and
affects both the internal autonomy of the head and the parenchymia of the heart,
extending to the subjacent regions, both the epigastric and the hypogastric,
eventually causing cachexy, atrophy and symphysia. Have you had the small pox?
Cand.: I have.
Guides start back in alarm and throw up their hands.
S.K.S.: He has had the small pox!
ALL MEMBERS shout: Quarantine him, Disinfect him, Burn him.
S.K.S.: How long since you had it?
Cand.: About 17 years.
ALL MEMBERS: Oh.
Guides resume their places.
S.K.S.: Have you ever had the "Grip:"'
Cand.: No.
S.K.S.: That is unfortunate. No knight of our Order can be
sufficiently humiliated until he has enjoyed the experiences attending that
malady. We consider it our duty therefore to see that any member who has escaped
it shall receive it by inoculation. Sublime Guide conduct the neophyte to the
Sublime Knight of the Orient while I prepare the injection virus. Sublime
Assistant open the medicine chest, bring the plasters and blisters, infusions
and extracts, stimulants and anodynes. Bring also the chloroform and the chains.
Guides conduct candidate to S.K.O.
S.Guide: Sublime Knight of the Orient, I am directed to present
this neophyte to you for obligation and abuse.
S.K.Orient: Before you can be permitted to learn more of our
Oriental mysteries you will be required to assume an eternal obligation. You
will therefore stand upon your head and repeat after me.
Guide rushes up and whispers something to the S.K.O.
S.K.O., aloud, to Guide: He can not stand on his head you say. Why
not pray?
Guide whispers again.
S.K.O. aghast, to Guide: You say the Sublime .Knight of Surgery
forbids it because the neophyte's head is hollow. Then we must dispense with our
usual form. The neophyte will fold his arms behind his back and repeat after me:
Up to this time the Candidate has kept the umbrella in his hand but he now
finds it necessary to hold it between his knees.
S.K.O.: I, With your name.
Cand.: I, with your name.
S.K.O.: No, I don't mean that.
Cand.: No, I don't mean that.
S.K.O.: We'll try again.
Cand.: We'll try a―
Guides grab candidate, one holds him by the throat while the other puts a
hand over candidate's mouth.
S.K.O.: That's right, hold him until I get a fresh start. I.
Hezekiah Beanpod.
Cand.: I, Hezekiah Beanpod.
S.K.O.: Do hereby promise never to reveal.
Cand.: Do hereby promise ever to reveal.
S.K.O.: Any of the signs or secrets that may be here communicated
to me.
Cand.: The signs and secrets that may be here communicated to me.
S.K.O.: Except in a legal and proper manner.
Cand.: Except in illegal and improper manner.
S.K.O.: That I will not write or print any of the forms or
ceremonies under any circumstances.
Cand.: That I will write or print any of the forms or ceremonies
under any circumstances.
S.K.O.: I also promise to obey the orders given me by the Sublime
Officers.
Cand.: I also promise to disobey the orders given to me by the
Sublime Officers.
S.K.O.: And to conduct myself generally in a reputable and proper
manner.
Cand.: And to conduct myself generally in a disreputable and
improper manner,
Here one of the S.Guides pulls the umbrella from between the candidate's
knees and takes from inside of it a long black bottle labeled
"Schnapps," shows it to the audience and hands it to the S. K O. who
takes a drink (apparently).
S.K.Or.: No wonder he hung onto that umbrella. Most people have an
umbrella to keep them from getting wet, he carries one to keep from getting dry.
If delivered for a temperance order the umbrella feature may be eliminated.
S.K.Orient: You are now bound to us in indissoluble ties, You must
now submit yourself cheerfully to whatever fate may befall you. Now you
stiff-necked sinner prepare yourself for trouble. It will be useless for you to
make any alarm. We have no windows, the doors are double barred, the walls are
double and lined with telt. No shout from you can ever reach the outer world. We
have also sent a message to your friends that you have gone to Kalamazoo,
therefore they will never look for you here.
Sublime Guide, introduce the neophyte to the mercilessness of the Sublime
Knight of the Occident.
S. Guide: Sublime Knight of the Occident, I am directed to place
this neophyte under your unmerciful care.
S. K. Occident: Directly above your head is a heavy double edged
sword, sharpened for effective work. It is suspended from the ceiling by a
single hair and may fall at any moment. Our traditions tell and experience
affirms that when anyone standing beneath it is guilty of an untruthful answer
to any question the shocked moral sense causes an electric wave which breaks the
delicate hair and the weapon speeds downward on its mission of destruction.
Candidate puts hand over head and acts nervously and tries to get away but is
held by guides.
I assure you this rarely occurs, a very small percentage of our victims
having defied fate and paid the penalty of their indiscretion. I caution you,
therefore, to give truthful answers to any questions that may be propounded to
you. Some of the questions may seem to you frivolous but I assure you that
correct answers are necessary to your present safety and future prospects.
S.K.Occ.: What is your name?
Cand.: Hezekiah Beanpod.
S.K.O.: How do you know?
Cand.: I have been told so.
S.K.O.: Oh, that is only hearsay, only belief not knowledge. Then
you don't know anything about it ?
Cand.: N-n-o.
S.K.O.: Will you swear that your name should not be something
else?
Cand.: N-n-o.
S.K.Occ.: Can you bring anyone who will swear that your name
should not be John Henry Smith?
Cand.: Probably not.
S.K.O.: When were you born?
Cand.: In 1846.
S.K.O.: How do you know?
Cand.: Wasn't I there?
S.K.Cy.: No levity.
BOOM.
S.K.Occ.: Do you remember the deplorable occurrence ?
Cand.: No.
S.K.O.: A man who don't know his name or when he was born must be
a "Knownothing."
ALL MEMBERS: He's a "Know-nothing."'
S.K.Cy.: Let it be recorded.
S.K.Rec.: It is recorded.
BOOM.
S.K.Occ.: Can you sing?
Cand.: Yes, a little.
S.K.Occ.: Favor us with an exhibition of your vocal powers.
Candidate sings. After a few lines or verses, as desired, the members begin
to shout and pound so as to drown the singing. Candidate ceases singing Members
cease their noise. Candidate starts again. Members make more noise.
S.K.Occ.: It is evident the Sublime Knights do not like such
singing.
S. K. Occ.: Have your accomplishments extended into the mastery of
the manipulations of the art Terpsichore?
Cand.: Eh?
S.GUIDE to candidate: He means can you dance?
Cand.: Oh, yes.
S.K.Occ.: Torture us with an exhibition of your malignant
maneuvering in that art.
Candidate dances a few steps.
ALL MEMBERS: He can't dance! Put him out!
S.K.Occ.: Are you single or double?
Cand.: Eh?
S.Guide to candidate: He means are you married ?
Candidate whispers something to Guide.
S.GUIDE aloud to S.K.Occ.: He wishes to be excused from answering
that question as he has two wives in the audience.
S.K.Occ.: The punishment is sufficient. He is excused.
S.K.Occ.: Do you smoke?
Cand.: Occasionally.
S.K.Occ.: Have you any cigars about you ?
Cand.: No, not one.
S.K.Occ.: The Sublime Guides will examine.
Guides examine Candidate and pull several cigars out of every pocket which
are handed around to the members.
S.GUIDES: He has no cigars.
BOOM.
S.K.O.: Are your lungs congested, congealed, ossified or
ostracised?
Cand.: I think not.
S.K.Occ.: Blow this whistle.
Candidate blows.
S.K.O.: He is a blower.
S.K.Cy.: Let it be recorded.
S.K.Rec.: It is recorded.
BOOM.
S.K.Occ.: Did you ever suck an orange?
Cand.: Yes.
ALL MEMBERS: He's a sucker.
S.K.Cy.: Let it be recorded.
S.K.Rec.: It is recorded.
BOOM.
S.K.Occ.: Do you promise if admitted to our Sublime Inner
Sanctuary that you will treat all members as you would that they should treat
you ?
Cand.: I do.
S.K.Occ.: The neophyte will treat the members.
S.K.Cy.: Let it be recorded.
S.K.Rec.: It is recorded.
BOOM.
S.K.Occ.: Guide, remove the hoodwink and reveal to this neophyte
our tablet of reflection.
Here the Guide removes the hoodwink, and S.K.O. shows the Candidate a looking
glass.
S.K.Occ.: Behold an image of thy mortal self! Behold the
embodiment of meanness and trickery; of deceit and degradation and, soon I hope,
of dark and deep despair. Do generous impulses fill your soul? No! Do noble
motives lead you to impart blessings to others? No! Have cussedness and
selfishness smothered all your finer feelings towards humanity? Yes!
Sublime Guide, remove him from hence to the Sublime Knight of Prophecy.
S.GUIDE: Sublime Knight of Prophecy, I am directed to present this
neophyte to you that you may read his mind.
S.K.PROPHECY: I can not. How can I decipher the mysteries of the
mind of one who has none? But stay. Observe those eyes, that brow, them ears,
that retreating forehead! Where have I looked upon those startling features
before?
S.K.P. holds his brow in contemplative attitude, then suddenly exclaims:
S.K.P.: Sublime Knights, I have made a startling discovery. This
neophyte bears a striking resemblance to the ancient founder of our primitive
order.
S.K.Cy.: I observed it myself.
S.K.Or.: So did I.
S.K.Occ.: So did I.
ALL MEMBERS: So did I.
S.K.Cy.: Let it be recorded.
S.K.Rec.: It is recorded.
BOOM.
S.K.PROPHECY: My interesting friend, I have the exalted honor of
being the seventh son of the seventh daughter of the seventh son, and as such,
have the mysterious faculty of throwing aside the vail of mystery which
overhangs all ordinary mortals. It is my exalted privilege to reveal the
unrevealable, solve the unsolvable, read the unreadable, bring light out of
darkness, make the rough smooth and the crooked straight.
But, possibly the conglomerated aggregativeness of the language with which I
have the dishonor to stoop to address you is too verbose for the obliguity of
your obtuse intellect as the thermoacceleration of the consanguinity of the
hypothenuse sublimates the perspicuity of the efflorescence.
We shall, therefore be compelled to transmogrify ourselves to the
bicephalation of the degradation of the level which you occupy.
I will, therefore, now address you in plain United States.
I see passing before me in solemn procession all the events of your life
which lack of time alone forbids me to expose. I must prove this by simply
reminding you of a few of them, for instance: When you stole the teacher's pen
knife at school and got your sister licked for it; when you spilled ink on your
geography and exchanged it for another boy's when his back was turned; how you
confiscated the teacher's shoes and he had to go home through the snow in his
slippers. You done many other fiendish things tor which you are peculiarly
qualified. At home you stole watermelons out of your father's garden and threw
the rinds in front of the neighbors houses. Your villainy found amusement by
putting the cat and dog in a pail and lowering them into the well. But I will
forbear as I see the guilt in your eyes and trust you may so direct your future
course as to cheat the gallows by getting drowned.
I will simply reveal your true character by a psychological research which
never fails to indicate correctly to the earnest seeker after truth.
That you may be sure there is no illusion I will permit you to decipher for
yourself the mysteries of fate.
A blackboard or white cloth is here introduced and placed in such position
that it can be plainly seen by the audience. The candidate is given a chalk
crayon and writes as directed. Care must be taken that there be no mistakes in
the figures.
S.K.PROPHECY to Candidate: Please put upon the board the first ten
letters of the Alphabet and directly beneath them our mysterious Arabic
numerals, and beneath these a horizontal line;
Candidate marks as follows.
A B C D E F G H I J
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0
S.K.P.: Put down the year of your birth,
Candidate (writes) - - - - - 1846
S.K.P.: Add 3 to it.
Candidate: - - - - - - - - - - 3
S.K.P.: Add your age in 1900.
Candidate: - - - - - - - - - - 54
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 1,903
S.K.P.: Multiply by 1,000.
Candidate.: - - - - - - - - 1,000
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - 1,903,000
S.K.P.: Now deduct 688,423.
Candidate: - - - - - - -688,423
- - - - - - - - - - - - - 1,214,577
S.K.P.: Now convert this remainder into letters by using the scale
given you above and the answer will be your character as the fates reveal it.
Cand. writes: A B A D E G G
ALL MEMBERS: A bad egg!
S.K.Cy.: Let it be recorded.
S.K.R.: It is recorded.
BOOM.
S.K.P.: Sublime Guide take the bad egg to the Sublime Knight
Cynosure for final humiliation.
S. Guides place candidate before S.K.Cy.
S.GUIDE: Sublime Knight Cynosure, I present this bad egg to you to
be crushed.
S.K.CYNOSURE: I am now about to make a startling communication to
you. The profane public are not aware that hidden away among our archives we
have the original picture of the illustrious founder of our order which was
painted by an old master about the steenth century, It is preserved in an air
tight case so that neither moth nor dust can it injure. Only on very rare
occasions is it exposed to view, but as you entered the room the members all
observed your remarkable resemblance to our world renowned patient and
forbearing predecessor and they have unanimously decided that it would be
appropriate and just that you be permitted to gaze upon the noble features of
one to whose family you are undoubtedly related. Therefore, behold!
Guides throw open the folding case revealing a picture of a donkey or a fates
face of a donkey's head.
S.K.CYNOSURE: I will permit you to continue to gaze upon those
noble features while I instruct you in the unwritten work of our Sublime Order.
When you wish to enter our asylum while in session you will, after removing your
hat and leaving it with your umbrella on the outside, pound like zero on the
door and to the Sublime Sentinel give the password which is
"Humility."
You will then enter the room and salute the Cynosure by placing the thumbs in
each ear and braying like a donkey.
This same sign is also used as a means of recognition between members
anywhere.
The distress sign is to stretch out the hand, and words that may be used with
it are "lend me a dollar."
The Sublime Guides will give you our grip.
Each Guide grabs one of the candidate's hands and appears to squeeze it as
hard as possible. The candidate squirms and dances us if in pain.
At this juncture the ceremony may be lengthened by the introduction of songs,
music, etc., in the following manner:
S.K.Cy., to Candidate: Before receiving yon into Sublime
fellowship with us I feel it my duty to say that your singing is so execrably
bad that I must show you what singing ought to be and I will therefore call upon
Sublime Knight to favor us with one of his mellifluous efforts. Guides
and candidate take seats.
Other songs, speeches, etc., may follow under the direction of S.K.Cy.
Guides and Candidate arise.
S.K.CYNOSURE: I now declare yon duly humiliated into our Sublime
Order. Please be seated.
S.K.PROPHECY: Sublime Knight Cynosure, I am surprised that you
should have overlooked an important and imperative feature of our ceremonial
work. When the cabalistic figures give the neophyte a distinct characteristic
our Sublime constitution requires that he shall be so branded with a hot iron.
In this case the Candidate must lie branded as "A bad egg."
S.K.CYNOSURE: It is true and I cannot understand, Sublime Guides,
how you should have so carelessly overlooked the necessary ceremony. Without
delay place the branding iron within the furnace.
Guides step to one side and make a noise as though heating an iron in the
stove.
S.K.SURGERY: Sublime Knight Cynosure, the Sublime Guides have made
another sublime blunder.
They have not brought the neophyte here to be inoculated with the with the
"Grip."
If conferred as a "side degree." the ceremony is closed here as
follows:
S.K.CYNOSURE: Sublime Guides, these blunders are inexcusable, and
I now order and direct that you wear beans in your shoes tor the next thirty
days as a punishment for your grievous carelessness.
As the hour is getting late the ceremonies of "Branding" and
"Inoculation" will be postponed until our next meeting, in the
meantime, Sir Knight Beanpod, I now solemnly warn yon that unless your future
conduct is less dogmatic and obstinate, more humble and lamblike, it will become
our solemn duty to entrap you and practice upon you the Sublimated Tortures
which we reserve, for extreme cases of moral malodorous malignity. Dishonor us
by being sealed.
BOOM.
S.K.CYNOSURE: That blunder is inexcusable, but as the iron is red
hot we will brand him first. Sir Knight Beanpod, make bare your breast.
"Nearest his heart" is the language of the law. Sublime Guide briny
hither the iron.
Guide brines on the black rod.
Cand., advancing: Have I to be marked for life with that iron? Never! By the
memory of the illustrious founder of our order. I'll see you all in Samoa first.
Candidate grabs the iron out of hands of Guide and rushes at the members,
thrusting right and left, occasionally touching some one and making a hissing
sound. The members dodge find run, chased by candidate and finally escape from
the stage.
Candidate proceeds to station of Sublime Knight Cynosure, waving branding
iron above his Lead, pounds on drum and exclaims: Must be branded,
eh! Got to get the "Grip", eh! A bad egg! Let it be recorded! It is
recorded!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
Curtain falls.
If the ceremony is performed in lodge room, without stage, the candidate
should, after chasing others out of the room, grab the paraphernalia in his arms
and rush out, exclaiming:
Degree of Humility, eh! Let it be recorded! Hezekiah Beanpod, sole survivor.